For us to push back from the gate...
...make sure seatbelts are fastened...
...tray tables in their locked position, and your luggage is completely stowed.
We'd like to thank you all for flying with us. Welcome aboard.
Flight 82 to San Francisco is ready for boarding at Gate...
Flight 63 to New York now boarding at Gate 41.
If you'd like to make a call...
- So... - So...
- Happy birthday. - Oh.
Thank you...
...for the takeout.
Sure.
It's the least I could do. It's your birthday.
- Heh. So? - Oh, yeah, right.
But Dan's home so we gotta go to the bedroom.
Oh. Are we done in here?
Yeah, well, we finished eating.
What?
I just thought that this might be a great moment...
...for you to give me my gift.
Oh, shit.
Amy, I didn't get you anything.
You told me that you didn't want me to get you anything.
What's happening? Oh, God.
- Are you crying? - No.
I have missed something here, baby. So you wanted a present?
Garrett, I tell you not to get me something...
...so you want to get me something really great...
...because I'm the girlfriend that didn't ask for anything.
What? Okay, you know what, let's go. I'll get you something now.
It is not about the goddamn gift.
It just was about the gift. When did it become not about the gift?
It's bigger than this. It's a combination of a lot of things.
I've invested so much in this relationship and I don't feeI like you're doing the same.
I don't even know if you're into this. Are you?
- Sure. - Oh, my God.
Ah, Amy, come on.
- Don't even think about calling me again. - Oh, Jesus. Amy, wait, wait, wait.
I should not call you or I should want to call you?
Okay, so it means what it means. Good.
- Ow! Oh, my God. Mother bitch. - Erin, you're late.
Thanks, Brandy. I almost forgot why I was running.
Did he use the red pen with you guys?
No.
- Well, it's impressive reporting. - Thank you.
However, needs to be completely restructured.
And a spellcheck wouldn't hurt.
"MunincibaI" courthouse? Not sure where that is.
Thank you, ladies.
- Where are you going? - I'm 31. I'm an intern.
- I'm going to get wasted. - Oh, I'm so in.
Let's go.
I'd love a copilot. Look at this shit.
Oh, my God, he bled on it.
I still can't believe she broke up with me.
- Of course she did, dumb-ass. - Because I didn't get a gift?
It's not the gift.
- Don't think it's the gift. - It's not.
How does everyone except me know it's not about the gift?
- Oh. Dude, are you kidding me? - All right, hang on a second, man.
I get it, all right? It's a tough thing to get dumped.
You get upset, you go to your room, you turn off all the lights...
...you light a candle and you just, like you know...
...go to that deep emotionaI place where you're like:
- Is that really how you cry? Yes.
Are you going through that? Have you cried?
- Uh, I didn't cry. I've never cried like that. - I cry like that all the time.
I've only really cried over a girI in, like, high schooI, maybe.
I don't know. Maybe you weren't into that chick.
Because I didn't cry, it means I'm not- No, I liked her. Of course I liked her.
And we were good together. I don't know what happened.
- I don't know what happened. Aw, dude.
- This happens every time. - What?
You get in a relationship but you don't fully commit.
You never have, not since I've known you.
The girI figures that out and she splits.
And then we have to sit here and listen to you be surprised about that.
- Over and over again. This happens a lot. - All the time.
It's not true. It happens occasionally.
There's a definite pattern.
- Definite pattern. You know what?
Fuck you, fuck you. I'm gonna go clear my head.
- A lot of self-righteousness going on. - You gonna cry it out?
I'm not crying, just gonna clear my head.
Clear your head, cry, same thing.
You know what I'm talking about with the man cry.
Like that low, like:
I don't know. If you ask me, that looks like you're trying to suck your own dick.
- That does not- - Yes, it does.
If I wasn't making any noise...
...and you saw me like this, what does it look like?
Looks like you're trying to suck your dick. That's not how.
When I suck my dick, I lie on my back, I throw my legs over my head.
- You suck your own dick? - Yeah.
You cut your hair and you suck your own dick.
You're like a Swiss army knife.
Hey, we should circulate. There's hot guys everywhere.
You're being lame.
What would you rather I do?
Get date-raped by a frat guy with a popped collar?
No, thank you.
You are just jealous.
- More for you, baby. Thank you.
Go have fun being in The Accused.
Hey. - Hey.
I like your shirt. - I know. It's Polo.
You smell good.
- It's Axe. - I know.
You might as well remove that quarter. I have no intention of getting off this game.
Listen-
- Oh, my God. - What?
- Who does that? - What the fuck?
- What the fuck are you doing? - What the fuck are you doing?
Who leans in like that? I was just about to beat the high score.
There's no way you got that close to ERL. I've never gotten that close.
You know how long I've been trying to beat myself?
I mean, what a dick move.
Wait, what?
What the f-?
What? Hold on. Hold on. You're ERL? You're the dragon?
I'm a what?
I've been chasing ERL for months now. I just thought ERL was an-
I thought ERL was an "EarI," you know.
Erin Rankin Langford. Nobody calls me ERL.
I'm honored, okay. I am honored.
Shit, what a dick. I leaned in.
I owe you a beer. Please let me get you a beer.
Look, I'm sitting right over there, we got a pitcher.
I'd feeI like shit if you don't have a beer with me. One Centipedophile to another.
All right.
- I feeI like you're not listening to me. - I am listening.
I'm trying to figure this out. I can't tell if they're together.
I think they're on their first date. Tall.
Yes, I see them. They're tall. But are you not afraid about what's-
- I bet the blond played college sports. - Can you pay attention?
There are no baby pigeons in the city. Not one.
You guys, uh, I want you to meet Erin.
Uh, Erin, these are my friends. This is Box and Dan.
Hi. How are you?
- Hey. - Hello.
I screwed up Erin's Centipede game so I owe her a beer.
Fucker put his face in front of the game.
- What? Who does that? Oh.
- Exactly. - Well, it wasn't that bad.
Check, one.
Okay, everyone, people.
It is time for tonight's round of bar trivia.
So you know the rules. Uh, just teams of two.
No fighting, no g-
Oh! Shit! Terry, I just got shocked by this mike.
Well, then don't put your face on it.
I do not have health care, Terry.
Hey, listen, these two get really moody and emotionaI when they're separated...
- ... so do you wanna team up? Sure.
Just don't drag me down, okay? You don't seem very smart.
What country has the driest inhabited area in the world?
Is it A, Syria-?
Egypt.
Okay, let me read all the choices before you answer.
Egypt, the answer's Egypt.
Nice. Oh, my God.
What album holds the record for most weeks on the Billboard 200?
Dark Side of the Moon.
- Terry, they keep interrupting me. Then speak faster.
Seven hundred and 41 weeks, in case you're curious.
You suck at everything else. It's good you know something.
Yeah, well, I better not suck at that. It's part of my job.
I work at DieseI Records. It's a labeI.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
The word "records" kind of tipped me off.
What do you do for work?
I work at The New York Sentinel newspaper.
- Oh, yeah? - It's a newspaper.
How many different ways can you make change for a dollar?
Ah! A dollar, if ripped, has no value.
Disqualified.
Great, nine weeks in a row.
- You got a little wing sauce, like- Um- - Where?
Kind of in this generaI area.
The Rolling Stones took their name from what-?
Muddy Waters! - Fuck you!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow.
Jesus, Snoop.
So you a big fan of Tom Cruise?
Uh, in my defense, I'm a big Top Gun fan.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
In fact, I like all homoerotic, fighter-pilot movies.
- Too much? Did I lose you? - No, no.
Is Top Gun like your favorite movie?
- It's up there. What's wrong with that? - Nothing.
- It's the greatest. - Yeah. It's awesome.
Wait, what's your favorite movie?
Actually, I'm gonna be really serious right now for a minute.
- Okay, hold on. - Ha-ha-ha.
I really wanna tell you what my favorite movie is.
Oh, God. Please don't say, like, Triumph of the Will.
Don't be like a closet Nazi or something weird...
...because this is going great.
It's Shawshank.
I hope I make it across the border.
I hope to see my friend and shake his hand.
I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.
- Ha-ha-ha. - I hope.
- Zihuatanejo. - Zihuatanejo.
The best.
Watching every motion In my foolish lover's game
- Where's that coming from? - Dan.
- How in the fuck is Top Gun music playing? - Dan!
Hey, Garrett. - I'm so sorry.
I forgot to tell you that Dan's my roommate.
You guys live together?
- Uh, yeah. - Hey, Dan!
Hello in there.
- Heh. - Uh...
Dan, what are you doing?
Watching every motion in my foolish lover's game?
What was our rule?
Because I can hear through the wall doesn't mean I get to participate.
Right, and what were you doing just now?
Participating. - Okay.
Look, man, I just thought maybe, you know, it'd be fun if I DJ'd your hookup.
So is this, like, what you guys do when you bring girls over?
- He DJs your hookup? - No.
Is that what this fucking frat house is all about?
No, no. Listen, I'm really sorry.
- I'm gonna go. - Listen, listen, listen. I can explain.
Yeah? Explain.
You know what? I can't. I really have no save here. He is a fucking moron.
That's okay, because, you know what? I was totally pretending to be mad.
I didn't want you to think I was slutty.
- I don't care. - Oh.
- Think it's kind of awesome. - Well, that's weird.
- In fact, Dan, take me to Berlin. Here it comes!
Take my breath away
Hey. Morning.
Good morning.
Um, if you're taking off, could you at least leave the money on the nightstand?
Oh. I wasn't, um, trying to sneak out.
No. You're just putting your clothes on really quietly...
...and tiptoeing across the floor.
- Yeah. - It's all right.
I can stay.
- I didn't mean you had to- - Okay, yeah.
That didn't feeI good.
Hey, hey. You wanna maybe get some breakfast?
Food would be good.
Okay.
Now I've had the time of my life
No, I've never felt
- Dan. Hello.
I had a great time last night.
I gotta say, that was- It's a lot of fun.
Me too.
So I should get your number.
You know, we'd maybe hang out again?
- Okay. - All right. I have a nap- No.
- Here, I got it. - Okay.
- Um, there's a caveat that... - Mm-hm.
...I'd really... Um...
I'm leaving in six weeks.
And when I said that I work at The Sentinel...
...I meant that I'm a summer intern.
And I'm actually going back to Stanford to finish up my last year of grad schooI.
And although I'd be psyched to hang out again...
...um, please know that I'm not looking to start up-
Oh, wait. Uh, no, me-? I just got out of a relationship.
- Oh. Really, when? - Yeah.
Um...
I'm not gonna tell you that it was last night...
...but I'm not gonna say that it wasn't either.
- Okay, good. - Yeah. Yep.
Well, then we know where each other stands.
Um, the added bonus is that I now know you're a male whore.
Yeah. I guess I- It seems like I am.
Here's my phone number.
That's awesome.
Best posture in the office, Allison. Seriously. Best one we got.
There he is.
- How you doing? - Hey.
Hey, I got a question for you, man.
How does someone like you end up getting dumped and laid on the same night?
How is that possible? I mean, from all of us sad, lonely and bitter people...
...I encourage you to eat a big bowI of dick.
- Really? How about this? - Mm-hm.
How about, "Good morning, Garrett"?
- Morning, Garrett. - How you doing? What's with the luggage?
Um, my flight from Miami got in at 5 a. m. I haven't even slept.
You would never know. You look well-slept.
Oh, thank you. Heh.
How's, uh...?
- Mark- - Mark.
- is great.
Uh, seeing him once every six weeks for 48 hours, not so great.
- Yeah. - Garrett? Can you come here a sec?
- Yeah. - Anyways.
- All right. Well, wake up. - Bye, boys.
- She's still with that guy? - Yeah.
- You kidding me? But he lives in Miami. - Yeah.
Wait- No- Yeah, hold on.
I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation.
I wanna put things of mine inside things of hers.
I know you do. I know.
I heart you crazy mad
Until it feels so good
I'm about to do something drastic 'Cause I gotta have it
- What is this? - Mm-hm.
I heart you crazy mad I'm in a panic 'cause I
I'm genuinely getting nauseous.
I'm going out of my head
Are they singing "I heart you crazy mad"?
Yeah, they are. Sadly, they are.
Jesus. 3Z? Heh.
Now comes the fun part...
...because I get to look at your face when I say I'm assigning them to you.
- Ah, there it is. - Ha-ha-ha.
I know. I know it sucks. Believe me, I know, okay?
The higher-ups wanna sign these guys. They could be our Jonas Brothers.
Come on. Don't do this to me.
What about all the bands that I bring you?
Demos you never listen to? Give me a shot with those.
- That's not our focus right now. - Will-
Hey. You know who I had to scout when I was your age?
Nelson and Jesus Jones. All right?
You know one song. I know like 100.
You know what that does to your emotionaI stability?
- You covered Jesus Jones? - Yeah.
How old are you?
I don't wanna talk about that.
Do this. Show the idiots in charge that you wanna get promoted...
...then you can make the call on some bands.
I can't look at them without la- I don't know how I'm gonna do this.
You'll figure it out. Unh.
Close them.
So have they offered you a job yet?
It's nice to talk to you too, Corinne.
Have you even asked them?
Look, the whole newspaper business is falling apart, okay?
People here are struggling to keep their jobs...
...so I can't exactly ask for one.
Maya, statue.
Look, all I'm saying, and please know that I love you...
...is that you are behind in your life, and we all know why.
Yeah, I'm currently up to speed on the fact that my life is not currently up to speed.
Maya, statue.
Ooh, Olive Garden.
- Jesus Chri- Phil! The pantry shelves just collapsed.
Erin? - Shit.
I need you to watch Maya for me, please.
Erin. All the other interns are doing research so you're on desk duty.
Okay.
Hugh, wait.
Look, I would really love to turn this internship into a job.
And it's fine that my last piece didn't get picked...
...and the ones that do usually get bumped for space.
But it is my dream to work here...
...and I would like to make a good impression.
Good. Then do that.
Okay.
Um, well, is there a piece you could assign me, or...?
A piece.
Uh, the only thing I have is a human interest story on Grant-A-Dream.
- It's a charitable organization- - Yes, Grant-A-Dream.
It grants wishes to terminally ill children. I love terminally ill children.
Don't get too excited. Four other people passed on this.
- I'm on it. - Okay, good.
Uh, write it up, put it on my desk. Thank you.
Corinne- Ugh.
Thanks a lot, Erin. Where did you get these Oreo cookies?
Spit it out. Spit. More. More. More.
All of it. All of it. Maya.
All of it. All of it.
There's that. Thank you so much.
- Hello? - Hello.
I see you haven't entered me into your phone yet.
Oh, you know what happened?
- What's that? - I forgot your name.
Ah.
That's too bad for me. Um-
Well, I, Garrett, was wondering if you'd allow me to take you to dinner.
Um, yeah. I could eat.
Yeah? Great.
- All right, text me the address. - Okay.
What's your favorite food?
Every Friday night, my family, we'd go out to this place, Luigi's, in my hometown.
I'd get tortellini.
I think I love it just because of that. It reminds me of Friday nights growing up.
How would you like to die?
- Eating too much tortellini. - Ha-ha-ha.
Or waterboarding. I'd love to be waterboarded to death.
Give me, like, three albums that you really love, that meant something to you.
Licensed To lll, the Beastie Boys.
Oh, the best.
That was one because it was dangerous. And I had no danger in my life.
I thought like- My idea of danger was like...
...getting chocolate milk from the lunch lady.
Okay, what's the meanest lie you've ever told someone...
- ... to get them out in the morning? - I had to meet my wife for breakfast.
Ready? There we go. Learn by doing.
There it is.
- That way. Love that. Love that. - Yay!
Okay, run. Wrong way. Go the other way.
Fuck!
No, no, no! No!
Ugh.
I mean, is that gonna go on all day? - I don't know. Probably.
We're staring directly at you.
We're rowing like a bunch of Viking slaves.
Come on, we're having fun here. We're staring at you.
Do you wanna have kids?
Why, you wanna take those kids?
No, I mean, just like, you know, later on in life, do you wanna have kids?
Yeah, of course.
Do you?
I don't know.
That's why I like coming and looking at the old couples.
Some of them seem genuinely, not only happy, but sometimes I think, content.
I think sometimes that's more important than, like, happiness.
Like the guy we saw in the plaid shirt walking down- He's happy.
The only way you're content in life is if you marry your best friend.
- They make each other laugh- - So I have to marry Dan?
- Ha-ha-ha. - Or Box? They gotta duke it out.
I'm having fun.
Me too.
I'm only here for a couple more weeks. Right.
But maybe you'll come back one day.
Pushing that deadline another day. - Sure.
See you.
- Um, excuse me, Hugh? Hi. - Oh, hey.
Um, I just wanted to say goodbye because it's my last day-
Well, goodbye.
I was curious, um, what did you think of my Grant-A-Dream piece?
Uh... Oh, it was good. We're gonna run it.
- You are? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Well, that's great. - Yeah. Tuesday. Congratulations.
- Nice piece of writing. - Thank you.
Yeah. Good work.
I want you to know what an incredible experience I had here.
Good.
Okay.
Do you think that there's any possible chance in the future...
...that it could lead to a job?
Well, look, you know, you're a good writer...
...and anything's possible...
...so why don't you call me after the new year, okay?
- And we'll see where things are at. - I will call you in January.
- Okay, good. Perfect. - Like, the first.
- All right. Great. - At like 5 a. m.
Great, that's good, Erin. Thank you. Just remember the time difference.
- Okay. Bye, Hugh. Thank you. - Take care. Okay, bye, now.
Hey, you.
Good afternoon, is Erin there, please?
This is Erin.
Is it? Well, this is Garrett Austin Scully telephoning.
I met you at that bar by the Centipede machine.
Yeah, I remember. Nice hair, decent face.
Ah. That's the one.
Listen, I know this is your last night in New York...
...so I was wondering if you would allow me to take you out...
...for a nice farewell dinner.
I would love to.
All right, I don't wanna impress you all at once but these are actuaI cloth napkins.
- That's genuine cloth, that's polyester. - Ooh. Ha, ha.
Yeah, not to put on airs or anything, and all-you-can-eat garlic balls.
Ha-ha-ha. Wow. You have really outdone yourself, Mr. Scully.
I will take that not sarcastically.
Good evening.
Um, can I get your drink order to start with?
- Should we get some wine? - Yeah.
- Do you have a list? - Uh, we don't.
We just have the one, the jug of wine?
It's a Sunshine Harbor?
It's the house wine.
And how is it? How would you describe it?
- Um, it's okay. You know. - Well, there you go.
- All right. Well done. Well played.
I think the lady and I will partake of the Sunshine Harbor...
...per your glowing recommendation.
- Um, now, what year is this? - Uh...
This.
Nothing worse than an old wine.
That's how I feeI.
- I'll be right back to get your order. - Okay.
Um, ahem.
I just wanna thank you for calling me a lady.
Well, because you are a beautifuI, funny, intelligent woman...
...who I've had an amazing time with.
Yeah, I'm bummed it's our last night.
Me too.
And I've-
I don't think I've ever enjoyed getting to know someone more.
It's been such a good six weeks.
Went by so fast.
I can't really articulate.
Six weeks too fast.
Me like you.
Wine.
- Oh, my God. - That's disgusting.
You're lucky you didn't keep it in, because I'm getting an ulcer.
Well, I guess this is it.
Yeah. Guess this is it.
Take care of yourself.
Okay.
- Okay, bye. - I'll s-
- Uh- Oh, let me- - I got it, I got it.
Whoa, whoa. You can't leave your car there.
- No, I- - You can't leave your car at the curb.
- I need to talk to this girI quickly. - Shit, you chasing a girI?
- Yeah. - For reaI?
- Yeah. - She got a nice ass?
Like the wind.
- What the hell does that mean? - I have no idea.
Please. Two seconds.
- Go on, now. - Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you.
Langford. Hey!
- What are you doing? - That sucked.
- I know. - God.
- That was terrible. - Terrible.
- I can't end it like this. - Neither can I.
And that car ride was a disaster.
Oh, that was awfuI. It was so awkward.
So awkward.
- It's the worst. - The worst.
Yeah, sorry, go ahead.
Thank you. Good, good.
I didn't know if you wanted to keep doing this or how you felt.
I just- I freaked out, okay?
I've had such a good time with you...
...and a part of me doesn't want that to end...
...but I have been down this road before with a guy.
I dropped out of college and I followed him across the country...
...and I dropped everything for him.
And that's why my timeline is all off, you know?
And now I finally got everything back on track...
...you know, with my life and schooI...
...and then you had to come along...
- ... and fuck that all up. - Ow.
I'm sorry.
I'm not asking you to drop out of schooI or even move here.
I'm just asking to see you because I don't wanna lose you.
Fuck the miles. Fuck them.
I'll be here and you'll be there and we'll just be long-distance...
...because quite frankly, I'm crazy about you.
I'm crazy about you too.
I'm so glad you picked me up.
Of course.
Maya made you something.
- She's here. - Hi, everybody.
- Hi. Hi, my beautifuI niece. Hi.
"The suspect, Mr. Jones...
...was heavily intoxicated when he fired the. 44 Magnum. "
We need to know where this information is coming from. Is this your own theory?
Aw, come on, man. Come on, dude.
Are you serious?
- All right. What are y-?
- Hold on. - "What are you doing?"
"Nothing. What are you doing?"
"Nothing. This funny thing happened at work. "
"This funny thing happened at schooI."
He sneezed and scared mommy panda.
Oh, my God. Baby panda has a cold.
I had a thing when I was a kid. I was obsessed with, like-
I thought it was cooI to not have lips. Like MichaeI J. Fox and Jason Bateman.
Those guys, like, I idolized them.
They didn't have, like, lips, and I had, like, big weird lips.
- Oh. - Ha-ha-ha.
Look at that. You're up.
You kidding me?
What are you doing? Come on. Come-
- What the fuck? Oh!
Fore!
- Are you fucking kidding? - Yeah, that was a joke.
You're such an asshole.
I gotta program all my numbers into this goddamn thing.
Ha, ha. Come on, man, my actions were justified.
It was a pretty good hit.
It was funny, I'll give you that, but justified? Really?
- Destroying my phone? Come on. No, maybe not.
No, probably not. Not at all.
No, but it's like her vagina has you possessed.
I like him. A lot.
Okay, I know, I know, but are you dating?
- Are you in an exclusive relationship? - I don't know.
What do you mean? Don't you think you should know?
I mean, he could be out there dry humping half of New York City right now.
"Dry humping"? Oh, that's scandalous. That worries me.
PhiI and I dry hump. Okay?
And it is intense. And it's very erotic.
And it's the only way that I can actually get off.
Dry humping is no fucking joke.
So I think that you need to be clear about what this relationship is.
Now what is the story with you guys?
Are you doing it monogamous or what's the deaI?
Yeah.
I don't know. Uh...
- Maybe, yeah. - "Maybe"?
Wow, okay. You know what "maybe" gets you?
It gets her sucking every dude's dick out there at Stanford. It really does.
Then you go and visit her.
You have to kiss that blow-job factory she calls a mouth.
Thank you for that visuaI. Thanks, paI.
That was, like, way graphic. That was, like, extremely graphic.
He's thousands of miles away from here. You don't know what he's doing.
He could be at some bar, doing shots with some sexy bartender...
...dry humping her.
We haven't set the boundaries yet.
- Okay? - Oh, my God.
We're not trying to choke each other with commitment.
But now you're freaking me out...
...and I can't do anything but picture him humping some bartender. Thank you.
I'm your sister. This is what I'm here to do: terrify you.
- I see PhiI dry humping you. - You don't wanna.
I don't wanna think about what that looks like. It's not pretty.
Like, between the snorting and the slobbering...
...he's like a fucking shar-pei.
Or what are those dogs with the:
- Bulldogs? - Yeah. Like a fucking bulldog.
Does he look up at you when he goes down on you?
- Wanting approvaI? - Yes. Ha, ha.
"Am I doing it okay? Am I doing it?"
- I hate that. Shut up and lick. - It's horrible.
I don't know, actually.
Okay, look, look. Can you see other people? All right?
Can you hook up with other people?
- Can you masturbate? - Masturbate?
Can you masturbate yourself off at all?
- Why wouldn't I? - Some girls frown upon that.
- Some girls don't like you to masturbate. - She's not like a puritan.
Well, I'm just saying, like, some women don't like people masturbating.
Because I can hear you through the walls.
And you crack off a lot.
"Crack it off"?
Who says "crack off"?
Why? What do you say?
You may be thinking of "snap one off"?
- "Snap it off"? - Or "pop"? Like, "pop one off"?
I don't want anything to snap and pop when I'm masturbating.
- If it cracks a little bit, fine. - "Fine"?
The point is, you're gonna chafe yourself cracking off as much as you do.
All right, so, we- Do you need help across the street?
Okay. Don't pull, though.
He goes crazy. He's furious with his penis or something.
Angry.
Angry masturbation, which is dangerous.
- You can really injure yourself. - Yeah.
So he doesn't really know that.
Yeah. I have to tell my grandson that.
Tell your grandson. Tell your grandson's friends, you know?
Well, just him. Not others.
You're right. Just him. It might get awkward telling all his friends.
I guess you have to define it at some point.
So I guess we're saying...
...we're exclusive?
- Yeah. - Great.
- I'm happy. - Me too.
Secretly, this is what I was aiming for.
Well, not-so-secretly, me too.
Keep it light.
Light. Disease-free and light.
- Ha-ha-ha. - Bye.
Goodbye.
Can I please get the garbage omelet, double meat, home fries...
...and how about everything bageI...
...with butter, cream cheese, jelly, all that shit.
And then, you know what? I'll take a chocolate shake.
And I will make it very easy for you.
- You know, I'll have that same exact thing. - Okay.
- I'll just have the turkey burger. Okay.
Is there a way to just wrap it in lettuce, like use lettuce for the bun?
Can do no bun. Does that work? - No bun.
Fries or salad?
Uh, I'll get the salad with dressing on the side.
Yep, coming up. - Thank you.
- Wow. - What?
- You're eating like a bird there, huh? - No.
He's visiting Erin for Thanksgiving and worrying about his weight.
- All right. - Jesus.
I told you not to say anything.
We haven't seen each other in a while, okay?
Okay, I understand. That makes sense to me.
- Wanna tighten up. - I get you, I get you.
If you're so worried about your appearance, are you gonna do something...
- ... about your veiny, white skin? Mm.
Right now you look like an actor in a kabuki troupe.
- You're one to talk about appearances. - How so?
No offense, but with the moustache...
- What? You don't like it? - It's disgusting.
I don't care what you think. This is not for you.
Who's it for, the '83 Yankees bullpen?
- Now, there we are. - Very funny.
No, I'm actually trying to scratch a very specific demographic off of my fuck-it list.
- What's a fuck-it list? - He's got this list like a bucket list...
...but it's women he's trying to bang before he dies.
So, what kind of women are you hoping to attract?
- Older women, between 45 and 60. - Oh, so, cougars.
- This is where it's weird. - No. No, not cougars.
Okay, see, cougars, to me, are sad, desperate older women...
...that want to be young now.
Okay? But what I'm looking for are older attractive women...
...that want to be young again. All right?
See, when women see me with a moustache of that type...
...they're transported back when the moustache was king:
- The '70s, the early '80s. - Right.
All right? The era of their sexuaI awakening.
So then, when I'm on top of them, and they look up at me...
...they see this person, they're transported to that time.
All right? See, this isn't a moustache, it's a time machine.
It's a time machine to the back of Burt Reynolds' Camaro.
Right. You know what, it's-
Bottom line is don't get a moustache, get a tan.
I don't think she's that kind of girI. I don't think she's that superficiaI.
Okay, so she won't bang fat dudes...
...but she will sleep with a guy that looks like his face is covered in jizz?
If she's gonna dump you for eating carbs...
- ... she'll dump you for not having a tan. - That's true.
All right, I get the point.
Once you're in the machine, it's pretty self-explanatory.
You're gonna wanna put this on your hands, under your nails...
...unless you want your hands stained.
- Right this way. - Okay.
- Enjoy the Faux de SoleiI. - Just a quick question. Uh-
- Ooh. Hello. Tanning will begin in five...
- Uh- - ... four, three...
- Should I be wearing underwear? - ... two, one.
Excuse me. Oh, God. Oh, goddamn it.
Oh, and it stings.
Fuck. Fuck, my eyes sting.
What is this? Excuse me.
Should I be wearing goggles?
It stings. Is this bad?
Ah. Tastes gross. Pff, pff.
Tastes like poison. Pff, pff.
Should I-? Is it bad if I eat it?
Erin, you just got sat another table.
No way. I closed out my section. You know it, dude.
Well, you were requested. So...
Sorry, Mama.
Goddamn it.
I'm not gonna order anything, I want you to know.
But I got a tip for you.
Is it the tip of your penis?
- No, gross. Yes, it is. - Aah!
Oh, my God.
- Twenty percent of my dick. - Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, God, yes. Come on.
Where's the bedroom? - Too far.
Come over here.
Oh, God. Oh, I missed you.
Come here. God!
Oh, God. Oh, God!
Oh!
PhiI!
They came in so fast, I didn't know where to go.
Hi. I'm PhiI.
Hey. I'm Garrett.
- Nice to meet you. Good to meet you.
- Why are you introducing yourself? - I don't wanna be rude.
Get up. Fucking get up.
Is she still here?
- You got a handprint on your ass. I'll tell you later.
- Don't engage. - I'm eating at a dinner table.
- They're the ones fucking. - Get fucking fuck upstairs.
You guys are all set up, so I'll just-
- Um... Make yourself at home.
Aw...
Mm. Corinne, these mashed potatoes are amazing.
Thank you. I spent all day cleaning the table.
Sorry? Making them.
I spent- It's an old recipe from the family.
Ahem. Well, very good.
- Um, Garrett. Yes, Karen.
Now, are you a singer or a musician?
No. Neither one. Excuse me.
Yeah, I'm just behind-the-scenes guy.
He actually goes out and scouts bands, and then he signs them to his labeI...
...and he takes us to, like, these amazing places.
These seedy hole-in-the-walls that you'd never know existed.
- That sounds cooI. It's not that cooI.
- She's building it up. It is cooI.
She's being sweet.
Believe me, it's a lot more interesting than what Ron does.
Oh. - He makes boxes for a living.
Cardboard containers, Karen. Please. They're cardboard- I'm a supervisor.
- Pretty much boxes. Pretty much boxes. - They're cardboard containers.
Oh. I often use boxes.
The thing about my job is that it's in a state of flux.
In fact, both of our fields are kind of a little-
- We're in very similar positions. - Yeah.
But we do it because we love it.
We do it because we love it.
So, Erin, did you know he was coming in?
No. He completely surprised me.
Surprised me too.
- No one knew. And it was quite a surprise.
But he surprised me at work with flowers.
- Oh. - Jesus Christ.
It wasn't a big deaI.
I didn't, like, rappeI in from some helicopter. I just showed up.
How come you never do that? Ha, ha.
Because we live together, Karen.
I know, but it's nice to show a gesture of appreciation.
How long have you guys been together?
- It's been a long time now. Yeah. - Long time.
It's kind of like when you get really drunk and you just black out...
...you don't know how much time's gone by. Sort of a similar feeling.
Oh.
Erin, Karen, would you come help me in the kitchen with dessert?
Absolutely. Corinne's gonna go assassinate your character. I gotta play defense.
- Oh. Hurry. Hurry up. Yeah.
Um...
So, Ron, do you make all different sizes of boxes, or do you specialize in a certain-?
Do you have any idea of the trouble that you're causing us there, chief?
Ron, please, tell me what's bothering you.
I'll tell you what's bothering me there, bucko.
You just caused a prime-time problem between me and my wife.
Now I gotta go home and listen to her complain that I don't do enough for her.
Ha, ha. You think some effing sappy shit makes you a reaI boyfriend?
I stopped listening after "bucko. "
Listen up. We're in the effing trenches here, where the reaI hell happens.
All right? And we're here every day.
It's not about flowers and presents and showing up for the weekend.
Do you think you can just come in here with your fake tan and your girI shirt?
What?
You think that's what it's like when you're married?
When you're in a serious, long-term relationship?
You think you're gonna be able to work out and keep that nice ass of yours?
No. You're not gonna be able to keep it.
And I don't wanna say
If it goes away
Hey.
- Hey, how are you? I'm good. How are you?
Hey, do you remember my friend Harper from work?
Yeah, we've met. How are you? It's good to see you again.
What the rest did I was average
But I don't mind
Drawn on two sides Without disguise
But I don't mind
And I, I spit fire
- Hey. - Hey.
- I love them. Yeah. - Yeah? They're so good.
You don't believe me
They spent three years and all their money getting this produced.
Really?
These are the bands that should get noticed.
I hate that. I hate that a band like this would get passed over because of money.
It's just take a chance on someone because they deserve it...
...because they're genuinely talented.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
It's just frustrating because I know at my labeI they'd never go for this.
It would be like a waste of time to bring it up.
Well, if you act all melodramatic like that, yeah, it would be.
But if you showed your balls and you went in there and got in their face...
...and said "listen to this," the worst they could do is say no.
Or get mad at you because you showed your balls.
There you are. Damon.
Hi. How are you?
- I'm all right. How are you? - I'm great.
What's going on?
- Hey. Garrett. - I'm Damon.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
- We all work together. He is the bartender. - Oh, wow.
- Cheers. Cheers.
Where have you been, Damon? - Um, I was just helping my mom move.
Aw...
No, she's just getting old...
...and I want her to live closer to me, you know?
Aw...
Gush.
It's funny, because I actually want my mother to move further away from me.
- Damon is close with his mom. Good, good, good.
- Well, you know, it's my mom, you know? So cute.
- "And then my mom. " - My mom.
Mothers are important. Yeah, they are.
You wouldn't be here if it weren't for her vagina.
Found it easy
Easy
Ooh. Shh.
What? Sorry. Sorry.
Maya. Oh. Okay.
Hells yeah.
- Icing and vodka. - Mm.
- That's a great chaser. Mm. - Mm. Taste it.
So Damon seems like a good guy.
Oh, my God. He's amazing.
- Like my rock. - Your rock?
Yeah, I wouldn't get through work without him.
Wow. And he's handsome, and he loves his mother, and-
- Are you jealous? - Aw, come on. Come on.
No. Mm-mm.
Yes, you are.
I'm just a little curious if you guys have ever, you know...
You know. Sorry.
No. No. Not at all.
Oh, my God.
You always gotta close your eyes.
- Hey, Corinne. Hey.
I'm taking off.
Um, can I help you? I don't know what happened. It was something-
- No! No! No. - Oh, God.
- Sorry. No. No thank you. I'm good. - Okay.
- I'm good. - I'm so sorry.
Our introduction was not how I imagined it would be, obviously...
...but that was my hand.
The handprint on my, uh, buttocks...
...and my genitalia.
You have a handprint on your crotch too?
- You ready? Yes. Great.
- Okay. Well, see you later, Corinne. - I'll be back soon.
Okay, bye. Okay, bye.
Have a safe- What?
Have a safe flight, Garrett. Thank you. You too-
Or not- You're not flying. Okay.
Oh, yes. Middle seat. Awesome.
And a layover. Be fun.
Thank you for making this trip.
Thank you. That was the best.
I had fun.
I had fun too. Despite everything.
Please, please apologize to her again for me.
- I will. - Okay.
- God, she hates me. She does. - Yeah.
I love you.
I love you too.
I miss you already.
Cruella de ViI was not based on an actuaI person.
I'm pretty sure she was. A German lady.
I think you're wrong about that. Hey, Dan.
Welcome home, buddy boy.
Dude, what the fuck is this?
- We got an open-door policy. It's cooI. - Why? Why do you have that?
Well, we don't. He does. I just kind of accept it.
- How was the trip, bro? It was awesome.
- Do we have beers? We do have beers.
- Will you grab me one? Great.
Don't drink a beer on the toilet.
I was worried you'd get dumped...
...and we'd have to go to the bar. It went well, huh?
No. It was really good.
All the way. That's all I'm doing.
- Not far enough. That's as far as I'm going.
- I can't reach. - That's as far as I go.
I am not gonna hand you a beer while you're shitting.
- I don't wanna get up. - Get it afterwards.
I'm pooping as we speak. I don't wanna have to get up to get a-
Take it. There. Take it.
Thank you! Enjoy it. All right?
- I'm gonna go. - It's fine. It's closed now.
Did you tell her you loved her?
- I might have. - Did you really?
Yeah. I did.
Are you serious?
Wow.
- You gotta be carefuI. - No.
- You gotta be carefuI. - Don't tell him he has to be carefuI.
How long have you been together? - Four months.
That's a very long time.
Stop. Will you-?
Okay. Four months, all right? So now, in this four months, how much time...
...do you think you've spent together, like in the same city? Physically.
- Uh, I don't know. - Forty days?
- Yeah. Forty days. - Tops. Yeah?
Sure, that sounds about right.
Now look, I have done the long-distance thing, and it is hard as hell.
And it doesn't matter how good the relationship is.
It literally can just rip it apart.
Look, it is just very hard to be away from the person you love for months at a time.
I know. I know it's not gonna be easy.
That's all I'm saying.
But maybe you never found the right girI.
That's not a bad point.
- Jesus Christ. - What are you doing?
You know what? I want some privacy now. Pardon me.
It's Erin, leave a message.
Well, now I miss you even more.
Thanks a lot.
I'm going to bed, so call me in the morning.
Okay, good night.
It's barely gonna fit. The other ones wouldn't have fit.
But you saw the top off the bigger one and-
What's the point? Why not get one that's gonna fit?
This one looks little. People are gonna think we're gay.
Okay, let's open our presents at the same time.
It's exciting and sad, since it's the only present I got this year.
Okay.
You did a good wrapping job too. I hope it's a pony.
Oh... Centipede.
I love it!
That's so awesome.
I love my present.
I love you.
Hyah!
Hey, Corinne.
Can you ask Maya to keep it down for just a second?
Maya, statue.
Hello.
Hi, um, Hugh Edwards, please.
- This is he. - Uh, hi. Uh, this is Erin Langford.
- No. - I was a summer intern for you.
No.
I wrote that piece that you liked so much on Grant-A-Dream.
- Oh, yeah. How are you? - I'm good.
Um...
You told me that I should call you in January...
...about a possible permanent position, so...
...here I am, calling you.
Oh, right.
Well, look, honestly, we just got done laying off 100 people...
...so we're not gonna be hiring any time soon.
Sorry.
Why don't you try blogging? You know? Heh.
Look, uh, best of luck to you.
- Okay. - Take care.
Thank you.
Fuck! Fuck.
I wanted that job, okay?
I wanted to be in New York.
Look at it this way, it's not like someone else got the job over you.
They're just not taking anyone.
Yeah, I get it. It's a bad time for newspapers, okay?
It's not just about the fucking job. I wanted to be in the same city as you.
I know. Believe me, I know.
But there are other papers in New York, right? So that's still a possibility.
I seriously doubt...
...that if a paper like The Sentinel just cut 100 jobs that anybody's hiring right now.
Yeah, but listen, you don't know that untiI you try.
You're angry and you're frustrated and I get it and I wish I could hug you.
I know, I know.
That's the whole fucking problem is you're there and I'm here...
...and I'm in this fucking kitchen right now, and it fucking stinks.
Relax now, and try to get some sleep and we'll make a new plan tomorrow. I promise.
Um, I gotta go, okay?
- Bye. - I lov-
- Wanna do some more of that later? - Yeah. Please.
Long-distance fucking sucks.
Yep. Look, I told you it was rough.
I know. It's so rough.
And even worse, I'm so horny.
There's definitely someone here who can help you with that.
- Don't tempt me. - I'm just saying.
What am I gonna do for a fucking job?
Okay? What am I gonna do with my life?
I don't want to be a waitress forever.
No, seriously, listen to me.
I want to be a reporter. I want to tell stories.
What, like on the newspaper?
See, you understand. Fuck.
- Thank you. - That's okay.
There we go.
Jesus Christ.
Ha-ha-ha. Sorry. - What the fuck is your problem?
Let me tell you, steroid-face. I'd think you were comfortable with needles.
Watch yourself, sweetheart.
Speaking of sweethearts, you can suck my dick.
- She doesn't have a dick. - I actually do.
No, she doesn't.
And you should put your mouth on my penis.
Get her out of here before I kick your ass.
My friend is gonna kick your ass.
- Oh, is that right? - No.
By the way, steroids have side effects.
They may include a small dick, worshipping of MichaeI Bay...
- You out of your mind? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We could all sit around and watch Transformers together, jack off to it.
- Bye. - Suck my dick, bitch.
Seriously.
Suck it!
Stupid fuck.
Let's get in there! We can take him! Come on, let's go!
Son of a bitch.
I need to get home.
Are you gonna be okay? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
Hi.
Honey, I'm just gonna tell you right now, Maya drew on your face.
Shit.
- Hello? - Hello.
Oh, my God. I must've left you seven messages.
Please, please, God, tell me you're okay.
Yeah, I'm fine. I just- Unh.
I was out late last night with Damon. I got reaI drunk.
Damon? Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was just listening to me vent, you know.
- Wow. Okay. - What's wrong?
- Nothing. - Wait. Wait a minute.
Nothing happened, okay?
- Huh. - You have nothing to worry about.
Please just tell me that you trust me.
3Z's in the conference room already. Get in there.
Yeah. I'm sorry. Okay.
I gotta go. Can't talk.
Oh, shit.
Langford.
- Yes? - Any luck?
Uh, no. Thank you for asking. Um-
I've checked every newspaper and magazine in New York...
...and all dead ends.
Well, the Chronicle has an opening, miraculously...
...so I recommended you and a few other students.
Thank you. Um-
I just- I sort of had my heart set on New York.
Well, it's kind of brutaI out there. You're not really in a position to be picky.
Okay.
Thank you.
San Francisco Chronicle, may I help you?
San Francisco Chronicle, please hold.
- You can go in now. - Thank you.
I'm looking for any job opportunities in the San Francisco area, so if you know-
Totally, I get it.
Yeah. You know, I tried them, but-
Thank you, though. Okay, thank you.
Why don't you try blowing me next time?
Um...
- Okay. - Not you.
Sorry, I'm dealing with some shit.
I'm sorry. Bad timing.
- It's okay. It's good to know. - Oh. Fucking Evites.
It's for a month from now. Who does that? Oh.
It's mine. It's for my birthday.
Shit.
Mark's coming in from Florida and I really want him to meet everyone...
...so I kind of gotta plan ahead.
- I'm so sorry. - No, it's okay.
It's fine.
This is not an excuse, but I'm so tired and frustrated.
I haven't seen my girlfriend in a while. I'm losing my mind.
I'm in a long-distance relationship too, I get it.
- It fucking sucks. - Really does.
Tell me you have some suggestions.
Phone sex.
And, um, lots of it.
What are you wearing?
Uh...
Red lace panties and a bra and a garter.
Holy shit, you really went all out.
No, you fucking idiot, it's a fantasy.
- Oh, right. - What are you wearing?
Um...
What do you think is sexy?
White boxer briefs.
Really? Like Marky Mark?
Oh, God, especially like Marky Mark.
If you even say "Marky Mark"...
- ... I'm gonna fucking come right now. - Shit. Baby, please take this seriously.
Please. I'm so horny I can't even think.
- All right, sorry. - Okay, um...
Okay, so tell me about something that you're touching or whatever.
I'm touching myself.
Yeah, okay, good. Where? Where are you touching yourself?
Everywhere. Absolutely everywhere, all over, up and down.
- Up and down? - Especially in the wet parts.
Oh, God, yeah, that's good.
- I want to make good on that. Hold on. - Erin? Erin.
Hello? I lost you.
- Did I lose you? - Hello? Okay.
- Hello? - I'm there.
- Okay, all right. - Oh, God, I wanna fuck you so bad.
I wanna fuck you so hard.
I wanna come all over you.
No, I want you to come on the toweI beside your pillow.
- Yeah, okay. - I love fucking you so much.
You know what I fucking love doing? I love riding you!
Oh, yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait. - God, I love fucking riding you!
- But I'm on top. Baby, I'm on top. - No, I'm on top.
- I'm on top. How can you be on top? - Because we're in your car.
No, we're on a plane.
Didn't I tell you that we're in your car?
You said the toweI next to my pillow. Why would there be a pillow in the car?
Why would there be a toweI on the plane?
They give out those hand towels in first class.
Well, we wouldn't be in first class, we'd be in coach.
- Fine, we're in coach. - What's everybody doing?
Are they watching us fucking?
We're in a bathroom. We'll go in the bathroom.
I don't wanna get that blue toilet shit all over me.
I'm not gonna put you in the toilet.
- Put the lid down- - Gonna get arrested.
We're not gonna get arrested. We'll lock the door. It's a fantasy! There's no-
Oh, Christ, you know what? We'll go in the car. We'll go in the car.
Oh, fuck the car.
You know what? I think the moment's passed.
This isn't really working.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
You know, I thought "blue balls" was just a saying...
...but I'm getting a lot of veinage here.
I'm actually kind of concerned.
Oh, God.
That's okay.
I'll just tighten the vise grip on my dick one more notch.
- All right. You do that. - All right.
- Bye.
Bye.
Fuck!
You know, Garrett, I like the airplane. People do cars too much.
Dan, are you kidding?
Hello?
Hello, Erin? This is Sarah Conant at the Chronicle.
Hello.
Listen, we're all very impressed over here by your work...
...and I would like to offer you the position at our Metro desk.
- Really? - Yes.
So we'll need you to come in on April 15th at 10 a. m...
...and you can meet with our editors.
Okay. Thank you very much.
You're welcome. Bye-bye.
I'm sorry about not picking you up, but I just really wanted to surprise you.
With the romance and the candles and whatnot.
Hey, Erin.
Hi, Dan.
I missed you.
I missed you too, Dan.
I missed you so much. - Dan.
Wait.
Just wait, wait, baby. Wait a second, okay?
Okay. Can I be done waiting now?
- Listen, okay? - What?
I just- I need a second. I wanna look at your face.
And I've missed you.
Oh, my God, I've missed you too.
What is it? Something's wrong.
I am really, really getting tired of us spending so much time apart.
I know. I know, but look, we're here now, so-
Yeah.
And, um...
But there's a job.
What do you mean? What job?
Well, I interviewed with the San Francisco Chronicle...
...and they offered me a job.
Wow.
That's great.
- Yeah. - Are you gonna take it?
I don't know.
Oh. Man.
Wow.
What?
- Nothing. - No, not "nothing. " What?
It's a little strange to me...
...because in one breath you're telling me...
...that it's hard to be apart and you're struggling with this.
And then in the next you're saying we might be apart for a really long time.
No, I mean, I don't know yet, okay?
And my goaI is to be here with you.
But this is such a big opportunity for me that we need to talk about it.
Yeah, let's talk about this huge bomb you just laid on me.
Fuck, Erin, you didn't even tell me you interviewed.
I didn't mean to keep it from you.
Well, you did. What do you mean, you didn't mean to?
It's something you either do or you don't. You make a choice.
You know, amazingly, I'm not in the mood.
Fuck.
Erin, you know what? Let's just go out. Let's just go out.
I don't know, I'm feeling sexy tonight, you know what I'm saying?
I got a good feeling like I might be getting laid by one of you ladies.
- Not it. Not it.
Come on, Dan, just shoot pooI.
All right, okay. I'm just trying to talk about how sexy I feeI.
I'm gonna go get another drink.
Well, if you need me I'm right here
No matter what I'm always near
Garrett.
- Hi. - Hi.
What are you doing here?
Uh, Box invited me.
Of course.
- Do you wanna do a shot of Jäger? - Yes.
Hey, Christopher. Two.
This is so weird to see you out of the off-
- You look great. - Well, thanks.
Ahh. Thank you.
Hey. Um, I was just looking for you because I wanted to- Hello.
- Hi. Um...
Sorry, this is Erin, my, um...
GirI- Girlfriend.
This is Brianna, who I work with. My friend.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Garrett is always talking about you and I hear your name all the time.
It's really nice to put a face to it.
- It's nice to meet you too. Um...
So are you planning on moving out here any time soon?
Ooh.
- Hell of a question. - I don't know.
- I- - She knows.
She got big news today that pertains to that very question. Tell her.
Tell her your big news. Tell her your big news.
Big news that I just found out about.
- No? - It was nice to meet you.
- Yeah. - Um...
I'm gonna go sleep at Brandy's because it's obvious that you have-
I'm- Yeah, bye.
All right.
Here you go. - Oh, good.
Well...
...cheers.
- Are you okay? - Ha, ha. I am now.
Ha, ha.
- You have a lot of jingle jangles. - Yeah, she does.
- Hi. Hi.
- Garrett, introductions. - This is Dan. This is Brianna.
- Hi. - DanieI.
- Oh. - DanieI von...
...Jägermeister.
Hello, DanieI.
I'm a very wealthy man. Garrett, can you buy us some shots?
Ha-ha-ha. - Come on, let's get a drink.
What the fuck?
Fuck! Fuck! I don't know, I don't know what I was thinking!
I got so drunk last night.
I'm sorry. I drank so much.
Ha-ha-ha. Hey.
Knock, knock, in there. How you doing, huh?
Hey, last night, awesome.
Seriously, the best sex of my life, ever.
You wanna go for round two? Do it again?
Dan, you threw up on me! I did throw up on you.
I threw up on you a little bit and I apologized...
...and I thought we were past that. I was hoping we were.
You cried all night.
Crying is a part of feeling, all right?
Come on. You want some breakfast? I'll cook you up some eggs.
I have a boyfriend. That's not a problem for me.
Hey.
I should've just told you about the interview, about everything.
You know, no matter what.
No.
You know, we'll figure it out.
We'll just figure it out.
I know that you keep saying that we're gonna figure it out...
...but we haven't.
But we will.
But we haven't and we need to make a decision right away.
Okay, well, uh...
Yeah, I know. Make a decision, then.
Why is this all on me?
What are you talking about, "why you"? Your decision.
So it's all about whether I move to New York?
What about you moving to San Francisco?
You kidding? I've been calling music labels there for the last month...
...every day, diligently.
I called a labeI that turned out to be a kid...
...who's collecting demos from his friends. He didn't want to hire me.
There's nothing. There are no jobs. Trust me, I called them all.
I love that you're fine with me moving to New York and waiting tables...
...but you wouldn't even think about serving coffee in fucking San Francisco.
- It's all about what's convenient for you. - Wait.
And you hate your job.
Fine, I'll just make the decision for both of us.
You can just totally leave it all on me.
I got it.
Look at me, oh, look at me
Is this the way I'll always be? Oh, no, oh, no
Jesus, Harper. Maybe be a little more subtle?
I'm checking out their packages. They want you to look.
Oh, that's gross. - It's not gross, actually. Strangely.
- Um, hello? Hey, Erin. What are you doing?
- Hello? - I can't hear you.
- Where are you? - Huh?
- Where are you? - Oh!
I'm at, like, this sketchy club. It's girls' night out.
Oh, fun.
I can't hear you.
- Go outside. - Hold on.
You guys save mine. I gotta go outside and talk to Garrett.
He's an asshole. Tell him to move here already.
Hey, Garrett.
- It's Harper. How you doing? - Hey, Harper.
Look, Erin can't come to the phone...
...because she's gonna meet a guy who lives here and respects her...
...and she's gonna make out with him and have his baby.
What?
I'm sorry. You know, I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yeah, I know. It's okay.
No, it's just- You know Harper, she's out of her fucking mind.
- Why was she saying all that stuff? - Look, don't worry about it, okay?
I told her about the fight, you know?
I had to, I'm sorry. I'm a fucking girI, that's what we do. We talk it out.
- Right. - Do you get it?
Sure, I've seen Moesha.
CooI. Okay, what's going on with you?
Hey, listen. I know you're on a deadline to make a decision about this Chronicle job.
I know that, and you were right, by the way. You should not be in this alone.
I wanna help you and we're in this together, right?
But that being said, I gotta be honest with you.
I want you in New York.
But not just you in New York, I want you and me in New York living together.
I wanna get a place with you, a place that you love.
A place that we can make our own...
...where we can put Tom Cruise all over the walls...
...and get Tom Cruise bed sheets and Tom Cruise toilet paper.
Or we could buy our own Centipede machine...
...and drink jugs of Sunshine Harbor all day.
I just want a real relationship with you...
...because I love you and you're my best friend.
And frankly, I am so tired of missing you.
And I know this is a lot to put on you.
And I'm open to whatever...
...but I really wanna come out and see you and figure all of this out together.
I'd like that.
Okay. Good.
- Okay. - Bye.
Bye.
Maya Papaya. Where's Erin? Is she here?
She's upstairs in the shower.
- Baby? Hey. Uh-huh?
- Hi. Hi. - Hi.
- Hi.
- God, I missed you. - I missed you too.
- Listen... - What?
I wanna move to New York.
Are you serious?
Yes.
- Oh, my God. - Yeah.
So have you told the Chronicle yet?
No. I'm sort of waiting till Monday.
Okay.
PhiI wants to know if you guys wanna watch The Notebook.
- Where you going? Going inside.
Hey, Garrett. - Hey. Do you need help?
- You can grab that for me. - Okay.
- Start putting them on. - Great.
So...
Must be excited, huh?
Yeah. Excited.
It's wonderfuI.
You know, Garrett, how much I love my sister, right?
Of course.
I mean, she means everything to me.
And that, as you can see, I'm very protective of her.
So it's been very hard for me watching her struggle with this decision...
...to come with you or to take this incredible job.
But, you know...
...she loves you.
And, uh, I know how much you love her.
But you need to know how much she's giving up to be with you.
So don't break her heart.
Okay?
Or I'll cut your balls off.
- I'm not fucking kidding. - Okay.
- I'm kidding. - Jesus Christ.
- I'm kidding. - Um...
Thanks.
Um...
- So should I-? - Take those in.
- Yep. Okay. - Thanks.
Fucker.
Yeah, I wish I had lived in New York at some point in my life.
Oh, yeah?
I feeI like I could have really shaken up that place.
So, what are your plans for work?
Oh, I'm gonna wait tables untiI I figure it out.
You still gonna do the writing?
- There are no jobs in New York, PhiI. Mm.
Well, I mean, you know, not right now...
...but I think the newspaper business is gonna bounce back.
Oh, yeah. No, that is a sensible gamble.
I can see Corinne's convinced.
She's onboard.
Well, you can always write just to write.
No one can stop you from doing that.
I'm not gonna not do what I do.
I just might take a while, you know.
I'm not gonna give it up.
Well, even if you did, you'd still be there for Garrett, which is the important thing.
Exactly.
Hey. - Hey.
I was looking for you.
How you doing?
I'm okay, how are you?
Good. You wanna take a little walk?
Sure.
Come on.
What are you doing out here?
Nothing.
What's going on?
You have to take the job.
No. No, I'm not gonna give up our relationship for a job.
No, no, no. Lookit, lookit.
You need to take the job.
This is not about our relationship.
This is about asking you to give up everything again, and I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna do it.
And if you moved to New York, it'd be great for a little while.
But you'd eventually resent me, and I can't live with that.
I can't. I won't.
What's gonna happen to us?
We can't see each other every three months.
That's not a relationship.
But I love you.
This is...
- Why don't we just sit down for a minute? - Yeah.
I really thought that we were something.
We were.
We were something.
He's here. No, I'm picking him up now. All right, hold on one sec.
- How you doing? - Hey, buddy.
- What do you think, home or bar? - Bar.
Bar. All right.
Yeah, I'm really disturbed...
...because you would think that you would find a baby pigeon somewhere.
But I don't see baby pigeons ever.
So, what do you want to do? Do you just want to have this beer?
I mean, we can get you some harder liquor, if you want to get really fucked up.
- No, this is good, buddy. Thanks, paI. - CooI. All right.
Drink a little Frangelico? No Sambuca shots? Nothing fun?
If you wanna dive off the deep end into the sadness pooI, we go to my place...
...listen to, like, the Garden State soundtrack, watch Brian's Song.
- That probably wouldn't be the best thing. - Want a hug?
I'm okay, buddy. Thanks. This is good.
- I want to hug you. It's okay.
You need a hug, man. Come on, man. Come on, buddy. There you go.
Okay. Thanks.
Why are your eyes closed?
- Mine? - Mm-hm.
- Are yours not closed? - No.
Oh.
Are your eyes-?
I just close my eyes when I hug.
No big deaI.
You playing?
- Yeah. - You any good?
- I'm okay. - Damn.
That's one hell of a high score.
Yeah. Gonna be reaI tough to beat.
Hey, Erin, congratulations on your front-page story.
Thank you. I can't believe I'm on the cover. Heh.
So keep an open mind. Okay, we are really lucky to be getting in here early.
I got a tip from Chuck at the Crime desk.
And it's a sublet...
...and it's right in my price range, and it's available for ten years.
Are you kidd-? Is this blood? Is this blood on the wall?
Did someone get bludgeoned in here?
I'm not really sure of the details.
Something about a narcotics bust or a cockfighting ring.
But let's be positive.
Yes. No, you're right. You're right. Maybe it's just feces.
I think it's an up-and-comer.
They got a Boston Market on the corner. They don't build those just any place.
It smells like a skin infection in there.
Smells like freedom to me.
The happiest people I know are single and living alone.
Grab it, Erin. Before you know it, it'll be done.
You'll be trapped and dead. You gotta do it.
Are you kidding? It's a shit hole.
The reason your conversation is having a soundtrack...
...is because the walls are paper-thin, all right?
Erin, you're not gonna have any privacy in here.
I actually like music that comes through the walls. I find it comforting.
I'm gonna take this place.
And I so appreciate what you and PhiI have done for me...
...but it is time for me to move out.
I think you got a view of the Transamerica building. Oh-
Erin, I know you love this place, but there's a creepy man watching us hug right now.
Really? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Let's go. - Yeah. Okay.
All right. You were right.
- PhiI. PhiI! - Oh.
- Can we go to Boston Market? We cannot go to Boston Market.
Any way you want it
That's the way you need it
Ah. I look like such an idiot.
Trust me. It works.
But I'm not into older women. That's your thing.
But you asked me for my help, all right?
You have a problem, I have a solution. These women are good to go.
Yeah, good to go to an early bird speciaI at Denny's.
You haven't been out with a lady in what, six months.
So this is about getting back on the horse.
Yeah. No, I know.
Now, sure, you're not gonna find yourself a Kentucky Derby winner here tonight...
...but you might find a nice horse to ride down the Grand Canyon on.
You get to the bottom of the Grand Canyon...
...drop her off and you go about your business.
That makes it worse.
Wooh! Sorry I'm running late, boys.
Three beers, yes?
Oh, no. - What's going on?
- What the fuck? - Holy shit.
What? You're not Charlie Chaplin fans? This is gonna kill.
I love Charlie Chaplin.
I'm not a fan of the guy that has the exact mustache.
Where are you going with this?
At no point during shaving did you think:
- "CooI it. I'm gonna look like Hitler"? - Hitler? Oh, yeah, thought of that.
It's the plastered hair.
I knew you guys were gonna give me shit.
I'm shaving it, and then... I get that way too far on this side.
- Too far. - I went too far down this side.
I started going back and forth, back and forth. I stop.
If I stop now, and you can still pull off Chaplin. You know what?
If you don't like it, I'll send you to the gas chamber.
- You are doing Hitler. - I'll do whoever I want.
Pick a character and go-
- Hey, game faces. Hello. - Hi.
- How you doing? - Good.
You guys didn't go to schooI with us.
We did not. No.
You have a very foxy eye for detaiI.
- Wanna dance? - I do.
- Time machine. - Yeah.
Maybe my friend Garrett here can join us?
I'm good. No. I'm good. I'm gonna sit this one out.
- Bye, gentlemen. Shall we? Let's do it.
Hold on, hold on
Oh, man, this is ridiculous.
I know it's ridiculous.
- You know you don't have to be here. - You think I'm gonna miss this?
No. Well, yeah. No, not this though. I mean-
Look, Box and I, this is what we do. We do stupid shit, and we'll be fine.
So if you're worried about us, don't worry about us, man.
But you, you don't need to be here.
Yeah. I know.
Okay, then. As long as you're thinking about it.
- Okay. - I'm taking off.
These dudes don't look like Chaplin fans to me.
Oh, boy. They look like angry Jews.
Sorry.
Hello. - Hello.
How was work?
- You know? Uh, it was awesome. - Good.
Oh, hey. You got a package today.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hm.
It's from Garrett.
Oh. What does it say?
"They're gonna be in San Francisco. Thought you might wanna go. "
Who is?
The Boxer Rebellion.
That was one of the first bands that we saw together.
Are you gonna go?
That depends.
On whether or not you'll be my date.
I can get drunk there, right?
There's sort of an unidentifiable smell in here...
...that I can't quite just put my finger on.
I don't know, but just push your way in.
It's urine. It's urine. I smell urine.
Oh, good. That means it's a good club.
And puke. Oh, yeah. There's a hint of puke. And urine.
Well, that's even better. - I know, then. Good.
- Sorry. - It's all right.
Hi.
Hi, Corinne.
- Hey, Garrett. I like your haircut. - Thanks. Did something different.
And your dick's in your pants, so that's good.
I'm gonna go check out the...
Oh, fuck it. I'm just not gonna be here. Okay? Okay?
You're gonna just-?
- Hi. - Hi.
What are you doing here?
I manage the band.
- You do? - Yes. Ha, ha. Crazy, I know.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's- That's great.
- Really? - Yeah. Yeah.
- Wow. - No, I left the labeI.
You were right, as it turns out. I hated the hell out of my job.
Well, I hate to say "I told you so. "
No, you don't. You love saying "I told you so. "
- You love it. - You're right.
Who are you kidding?
So are you living in New York?
I actually just moved to Los Angeles.
- Really? - Yeah.
The band actually lives in L.A.
And, I don't know if you know this, I know you're not a huge geography fan...
...but L.A. is not only in the same time zone as San Francisco...
...it's in the same state. So...
Yeah. It's very close.
Yeah. It's a one-hour flight.
A six-hour drive.
- Eighteen-hour hot-air balloon ride. - Ha-ha-ha.
If you were to go that way.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
I don't know what your situation is...
I miss you.
That's not a question.
Yeah, it is.
I'm always here
Waiting for you All alone
Eyes of the night
Just to see See you home
There's two of us In it
They follow All night
I can't believe she left without us. That's so weird.
It's a schooI night and she probably didn't like the band.
She didn't like- She didn't like me. She hates me.
How am I gonna win that crazy one over?
Now that we're spending more time with each other...
...which I couldn't be happier about, maybe you should get your own apartment.
Just so we don't have to sneak around her house, you know, like teenagers.
Shh. But for tonight, let's just go upstairs, like adults.
That's very mature. - Okay.
Shh, shh, shh.
Wait, wait, wait.
C- Uh-
Are you guys-? Are you dry humping?
- No. - Sorry.
- But I didn't- - I don't care if you didn't finish. Get off.
Mommy? Are you okay?
Maya, statue!